parenting techniques that work, but that you shouldn't be completely proud of...

This is the first of a series of parenting posts I am working on about techniques that work, but that you should really keep under wraps because they really don't project that all together parenting image you're probably going for.

And because I am over-worked, over-committed and a crappy blogger, I'm spreading this series out for as long as I can.


The Fake Phonecall.

This is a act of desperation. It basically involves picking up the phone in front of a screaming, tantruming, and otherwise totally hysterical small child and faking a call that will instill the fear of all that is holy in her (Does that last sentence make sense? I'm thinking not but moving on...)

For example:

Me: If you don't take a nap, you won't be able to come with the entire family to dinner at your best friend in the whole wide world's house.

Small Hysterical Child (SHC): (whilst rubbing eyes) I don't care. I'm not tired...

Me: Okay, then I will need to find a babysitter. [Pick up phone, dial fake number, and then hang up]

SHC: Noooooo! [pause] Okay, I don't want to go.

Me: Ignoring SHC and pretending, like the ridiculous loser that I am at times, to talk on the phone. To the dial tone.

"Hi [insert most hated babysitter's name here], Is there any possibility that you're free tonight?"

[SHC stops crying and perks up to listen to phone conversation]

"Oh great! There is? That's awesome. Because SHC had a very late night last night and won't nap today, and there's pretty much no way she's going to be able to make it through dinner at her best friend's house tonight."

SHC: Yes, I will!

Me: "Okay... Uh huh.... Mmmmm hhhhmmmm.... Yeah... Great! So you'll be over at 5 o'clock?"

SHC: Noooooo! I'll nap, I'll nap!

Me: "Okay, great. See you then. And wait, if by some chance she falls asleep and naps, I'll give you a call. Bye!"

SHC: I'm actually sleepy, Mommy. Will you pat me?

Me: Happily, baby...
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NOTE: Be sure to really hang up the phone. That off the ringer beeping is sure to give your plot away, if not to the SHC, definitely to her older siblings who have wisened up to you by now.