there is a huge gaping hole in my blog...

I don’t write about my dear friend Josh’s cancer because in the past I’ve felt like it wasn’t my experience to write. He does an amazing job writing about it on his own blog and way too often I feel like there is no way I could capture the intensity of his and his family's situation with my second or third hand experience.

Except that there are times when I find that I don’t write about the happy or interesting things in my life because what I’m actually totally consumed with is how this vibrant and beautiful family that I love deeply is suffering so much. And so Josh's story becomes all of our stories, too. And in supporting my friends in the best way that I can, I am superbly pissed off at the situation.

As I wait for Josh and Kim to get back from their latest scan, I’m finding it impossible to think about anything else but them.

It is totally unfair that when their oldest son comes over to play that I want to watch him for any minute signs of distress. Why should he feel anything but childish freedom when he comes to play with my kids in the backyard to swing and shout and play as if that’s all he needs to do? Why shouldn’t what game he chooses next be the most important thing he thinks about?

And, the thought of my strong and beautiful friend, Kim, holding up her universe on her shoulders just breaks my heart into sharp little pieces. Isn’t it hard enough to raise three small kids, carve out a successful career, and generally keep things together without having to watch your best friend, your childhood sweetheart, your husband suffer?

And while we all know it is beautiful and important to appreciate each moment with family, my wish for my friends is the gift of negligence. I wish they could greedily gulp up the time they have together, swallowing it whole, without worrying how much is left.

I wish Josh could rest now and know that there would be a time when he’d have the energy and strength to play hard with his boys and chase after his wild and beautiful little girl.

I want to run with him again. I want to swear him to the secrecy of the run so that Kim and I could talk freely and have him laugh at our superficial banter.

I want our families to play together, to camp together, to laugh together without this huge asshole that is cancer always getting in the way of things.

I want him to laugh.

So with whatever you’ve got, whatever faith you believe in, please pray for my friends and send healthy, healing prayers to Josh…